Three weeks after I posted about how my wife Bonita and my daughter Vicky are interacting lately we found ourselves again in awkward territory.
At that time, we decided that we should not depend on Vicky’s availability for things we could handle ourselves (getting a nanny when we needed to do something at night; cooking breakfast and getting a hairdo for the kids; running some errands, etc.) That strategy had mixed results; we could not do some things we wanted and we got surprised a few times by Vicky doing some small things for us without asking her to do them.
In any case, things have not improved. Vicky is still playing the “if you did not do that for me, why should I do it for you” role which is so frustrating in so many levels. In the other hand; Bonita and me are getting tired of not getting enough “kindness” from Vicky and the fact she is showing (and teaching that way) her sisters some attitudes we do not want Mediana and Pinka to have.
Yesterday was the latest example of this. When leaving from my job, Vicky called me to see if I could pick her up; I said yes and we drove home. I had to run some errands and on our final segment of the drive I called Bonita to let her know we were on our way. She asked me for a fruit salad; I refused to stop and buy it and Bonita asked me to convince Vicky (you see the word!?!), to prepare a veggie sandwich instead.
I told Vicky about it and she was not thrilled to do it. She complained about it but, when we arrived home I had the understanding she would do it. I had to get back to where we went (I forgot my agenda there!) and when I came back Vicky was having dinner. I asked about the sandwich and she said that she would do it. 15 minutes later, while I was having dinner (some leftovers from lunch) I finally asked Mediana to make the sandwich.
Bonita got there and she got upset. I understand the logic; to make a sandwich takes around 5 minutes; all the vegetables were ready to get it done. Why didn’t Vicky do it? Bonita left to get the salad (after all, that’s what she really wanted) and after 5 minutes Mediana and Pinka commented that her mother was exaggerating!
I did not like that. Why would they judge what other person does? I do not do that (or I try not to do it); my wife does not do that; it only leaves Vicky as the person judging. And I do not want Mediana and Pinka to be judgmental. I want them to hold their ground with their opinions; but not stubborn or fanatical about anything. So, I talked to them, questioning why they thought of that and finally they said, “well, I do not know how my mom felt” which I took advantage of to say: “yes, and that is why you should not hold judgment on other people actions”.
I hope they got it.
And I hope Vicky gets it. Life is what it is. You can not change the past. You can change the present, and the future. But it means you have to change. That is the challenge I am presenting to Vicky now. Because I want her to be the best she can be (in her own eyes, not mine!), not a person that whines and feel bad about how things were (especially since there is no way to change that).
I mentioned before; you are here because of what other people did and what you are doing. And all of those decisions and combination of actions brought you here. Could you be better? Define better. You would be different, not necessarily better. Go on with life, then. Take advantage of the way life changes when you change your attitude about it. One is always young enough, brave enough, and even sometimes stupid enough to do it. It only takes this: you wanting to do it.
See you around.
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2 hours ago
8 comments:
Parents and their kids.
I could go on for hours and hours about this - and I invariably do.
The bottom line is: you get the children you deserve. And that is the thing you have to remember.
Yes, you were different as a child - but there are all the things that you promised yourself (as a child) you wouldn't repeat as a parent. And then, when you don't, you become surprised that your children are different to you?
The fact is: your children love you and (more importantly) you love your children. They will always annoy/frustrate you but, honestly, in the long run, you will be far prouder of Vicky's achievements than you will be of her failure to make a sandwich.
However, this is your blog, therefore it is your right to rant :^) You have drawn lines that you expect your children to adhere to - they won't, that is a fact of life. But, when they cross that line, they are still wonderful children when compared to "other people's" children.
You know that - and if you don't, as an outsider, can I just mention that, the two children I know are wonderful (Media and Pinka). And, the little I know of Vicky, is still impressive.
And this is where commenting on a blog becomes annoying - sorry!
As the Gallagher brothers would say: You've gotta roll with it.
I'll go now - but if you want a stand up argument you know where I'll be stood between 7:30 and 7:50.
hahaha
sometimes I am so blind. I saw a famous quote by Einstein regarding the insanity of doing things the same way and expecting different results; I forget about the opposite side of that.
Actually we are really proud of Vicky, and I hope we will not hold against her the sandwich thing.
Thank you
The fact that you forgot to mention that I was having a horrible headache after a sucky day at work when you picked me up, proves the fact that once again your only seeing things from my mom's point of view or only seeing her interests so she doesn't get angry with you for not supporting her AGAIN (like she says you do)...you also forgot to mention how many times I HAVE made sandwiches for you both AND my sisters or made breakfast on the weekends, people that know us KNOW that I cook a whole lot more than my mother, and like I told you before I never said I would make the sandwich for her, because I didn't want to make it!! and wasn't planning on doing it.....you forget all the times I DO things for you guys, you only focus on when I don't do them...oohh and you also forgot to mention how SHE treated me, I was expecting that for ONCE she would make the sandwich for me and not the other way around...oh I forgot, she doesn't do that, like she doesn't do lines or banks...I REALLY THOUGHT YOU SAW THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE, MAYBE I WAS WRONG……I’m sorry if this sounds like a childs fit, but I’m so tired of only hearing negative things from my own parents, I saw that you wrote that u are proud of me, how about saying that to me once in a while
there is nothing easy, ever. all things have some level of complexity. there are always many sides to every story and many points of view and even more variables. family relations are so tough. i am estranged from my father--haven't spoken to him in almost 3 years, and i'm not too fond of my mother and try not to see her very often, even though she begs me to let her see her granddaughter. i have been on both fences. first,as a parent and then as a son who has felt that his own parents have terribly failed. they didn't try their best, and so i won't give that to them. i carry an incredible amt. of anger still, at my age, at their inability to provide even the basic emotional support throughout my life. everything is complicated. in a way, i am glad that you didn't delete your daughter's comment. it must be excruciatingly hard to read it, but she may also have a valid point. i don't know; this is a personal, family matter--there are so many dynamics and things we don't know and so we cannot make judgments. we can only realise how difficult it is, for both parents and children. cheers, and have a great weekend, all of you.
No, I did not forget that. I posted this before I knew, and did not added that information to the post. I still think it is not relevant. Same with the sandwich; is not relevant.
I think we've told you we are proud of you; maybe not enough.
Again, it is what it is. Past is past; future is rushing toward us to become present. I stand by my opinion. Find out what you want, change what you can and enjoy the results.
I believe that we all have some things to say to our parents. In my case I felt abandoned by them and I felt I was given the responsibility to look after my brother and my sister (my youngest sister was born the year I graduated from college, so I never lived in the same house with her). When I told that to my mother she cried. The first time I saw her cry. I got scared. Because telling her was an exercise with a result for me; not for her.
So, yes. Parent-child relationships are complex, confusing and incomplete most of times. I know Vicky has a valid point. There are always (at least) two sides of the story; I still think that it can be fixed/improved/worked-out. (Please hurry up!!)
You too have a great weekend.
My dad adopted me when I was 6. He married my mother when I was 5 and he adopted me. They didn't have a great marriage, unfortunately - I love them both more than I can say, but I have my limits with both of them. It helps that they live very far away. My mother eventually became an alcoholic, my dad was always a philanderer. I never got words of praise from my mother - my dad does it now, partially out of guilt because of the many many times I probably deserved them and did not get them -, my mother who did not do ironing, did not do many things that she just felt were not "her thing", and so it came to me to take them up, but I have this: When I was 9, they were arguing, I have no idea what about, when I was "sleeping". My mother said: "Maria is an incredibly noble child, more in spite of us than because of us, and I don't think you appreciate that". I have my doubts whether she did then. She does now, I can tell you that.
Honey over wounds, I'm telling you. Those words held me over some really dark times.
I am a mother now, and carry my wounds around, and I try to do better - the three months my daughter had to stay with my mother while I got my shit together here in Tijuana still are an infinite source of guilt, even if Danny has long since forgiven me for them. I apologise to my children often, for hurts I may have caused them. Just yesterday, I apologised to both of them if in the course of my previous marriage I was so preoccupied about trying to get it back together that I was less than what I should have been. I always tell them how proud I am of how well they have taken things, and I still fear losing them in time, when they look at me with older eyes. I know I am flawed, and I know they will one day judge me. I just hope they can remember the times I was good with them. Our time with our children is incredibly limited, and we don't know how much until it's up to them to want to see us. I hope they want to see me when they are older.
After being in therapy for a while; I realise that most of our "family" issues have to do with our Mothers; I asked the therapist about this and he told me that is due to the fact that we as people have great expectations and give a lot of importance to the role of our Mother. This has been true for me and my own Mother and now is also true for Vicky and myself; so I guess that I have to take it as it is and let go my issues with my own Mother. I need all my energy to concentrate on Vicky now, not to become the Mother that she would like, because this is impossible, but to understand her better. It is her turn after all.
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