Making the analogy with adolescence I would say, “un adolescente, adolece (madurez)” (in Spanish sounds better), “an adolescent, lacks maturity”; because in Spanish “adolecer” means to have a lack of or being sick of the characteristic mentioned after the verb.
When my wife and I got married, she had a 10 year old daughter (Vicky); she still reminds me that when she first met me I had no presents for her (seems like some/all of my wife’s previous suitors [I had to look up this word, but got this picture!] had always showed up with presents for her daughter, I did not and look where it got me!!). So I had the opportunity to have a preadolescent daughter at the same time I started my marriage.
And because of that, she delayed her adolescence by trying to be more mature. As an older sister (we have two more daughters) she would take some responsibilities that weren’t hers, and not only do that, but “fight” for the right to be responsible.
Over the years, this has been a source of interesting stories; the latest, being that, after going to Chile for a college term and to Europe for 2 months (while trying to find out if she could stay there); Vicky returned to a different home than she left. Different regarding that during her absence we learned how not to depend on her. Different in that we have expectations for her (she is 23 years old, already graduated as psychologist and she had been working for almost two years) we think she is not fulfilling, and different because of what is happening in Tijuana (all the violence, which actually is not random, but why risk it) that is affecting her social life (we have a curfew in effect at home).
She is also different, a little bit hesitant about what she wants to do now; start studying for a master’s degree, move to a different city, move out of our house, etc. And with the delayed adolescence that she went trough, well; to say the least, it has been a rough ride.
There is something I will never have with her that I have with my other two daughters; the opportunity to be there since the beginning. After all is accounted for, I am a substitute father. I am her father, because she did not have one. Her biological father disappeared of their life (my wife’s too) and rarely (every other year) calls or communicate with them.
And that is a problem; because my wife had to raise her alone, she did it relying on her family. While my wife finished college and developed a professional career that has taken her to great results (professionally), Vicky was with her grandmother and uncles most of the time. It had to be that way (well… I think it was better to do it), but is having consequences now. Consequences that her sisters will not have (we think).
On one side my wife regrets some of the decisions she had to make and feels “guilty” of leaving Vicky in her grandmother’s care. On the other side Vicky now feels that she was “abandoned” and “not-paid-attention-to” by her mother during that time.
And there is the current situation; she’s back, she doesn’t know what is next for her and (because we already moved on a little bit) she isn't as comfortable as it was.
And finally, every discussion, conversation, comments we have/make about/with her I get to choose sides. Get to side with my wife or side with my daughter. Both options have their consequences. Usually I try to weasel out of the conversation (because it will get to a discussion), but I am rarely successful; and many times I have to act as “the voice of reason” (or maybe is just another of my plots to avoid being blamed by whatever happens next!); which finally upset my wife.
So this morning, my wife accuses me of leaving her to dye (die) alone (maybe I was thinking of being yellow) when discussing with Vicky. She claims this is because I do not openly support her during the discussion. And being honest, I do not. It is difficult to do it. I feel uncomfortable with conflict. I rather negotiate, mediate and concede; I know the danger of concessions, eventually you end up in the opposite side of what you really want; but my initial response to a stressful situation is to mediate, concede, negotiate.
It is not that what my wife wants is unreasonable, but I do not agree completely with what she wants (I find no other reason for me trying to stay “out of trouble”) and I believe there are deeper issues here between them two. Issues that I can not fix, solve or improve. It is affecting my marriage, and THAT I can do something about it. Go to therapy or talk to my wife, which is what they can not do at this moment. Every conversation will play like this:
MW: “I am not happy with what you are doing”
V: “you’ve never been happy with me”
MW: “why you have to complain about that? It hurts me”
V: “why you have to make everything about you? how about how I feel?"
And on and on; until communication breaks.
Yes, I am guilty of abandoning my wife; in my defense, I could argue that things are easier that appear and talking through it will help you solve it, and if you can not have a conversation, you can still write it down. It takes two to have a conversation; and having two non-speaking-to-each-other people to deal with is really burdensome. Sorry.
I just hope they can work it out; and most hope that by the time Mediana and Pinka are adolescents we have a way to get through it without this much stress.
See you around.
P.S. I have been reprimended because I used the verb "adolecer" as if it has the same root as "adolescente". It does not. I know that, but phonetically they sound the same. I took that liberty.
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