Soylent Green...

In Spanish; this movie was named "Cuando el destino nos alcance" ("When destiny catch up with us" or something like that).

I have been meaning to write again; it had been 6 month of pause in the blogs; 2 months ago I started to think about time (time and time again) and came to the conclusion (for the nth time) that there is no time for everything. You can only do so many things at the same time.

And my time had been lately dedicated to my selfish interests: family, work and me. The first one is great! I haven't heard any complains; the second is mandatory (because I want it that way); I have enjoyed work a lot in this year and the third is a consequence of the first two. It has included spending time with new and old friends (and ignoring others, sorry for that!), reflecting in my life and (since I got to be 40 this past May) enjoying more what life has offered. From redescovering cigars (I know!!), to reading new things and trying (without noticing, which has been great!) to enjoy more everything I do and what happens to me.

So... a little recap of 2009:
1) We started paying of all of our debt (with the great help of my wife we are now past half way the point of paying off our mortgate!)
2) My wife was concerned about my health (her family has heart failure history) and took me to the cardiologist who said that, besides being overweight and with a little high blood pressure (because of the weight!) I was in perfect condition
3) I started walking again (taking care of my body) and I have lost 18 pounds since January (yes, I am bragging a little bit)
4) We got mixed results at work; decrease in sales but increase in profitability, which means everybody still have a job
5) I celebrated my 40th birthday (this should be a post on its own, but I do not know when it will happen) and all my brothers and sisters (together with my parents) came to Tijuana to celebrate with me; it was great to see them all!
6) I had been a better father with my daughters and become more relaxed and easygoing around them (which had been difficult before, since I was playing the "strict father" role);

and last but not least
7) I have been enjoying a great time with my wife. We have been doing more things together and on our own that had allowed for a better and improved relationship (also requires its own post).

So, on one hand I started this blog because I had many things to say, and stopped because I was saying too little. I might try again; at least once a week I will post (promise to myself). I hope you will find it interesting and if not do not worry you do not have to read it!

See you around.

I am running on fumes...

I am starting to get restless; I still do not know exactly how to fix/improve/make-more-bearable this situation we are living (Bonita and me) but I am getting tired of it.

I have been 10 days out of my house. I already moved most of my clothes and things I kept on my night table; some remain and I do not want to take them out. I am feeling like if I take out everything then it is going to be more difficult to move back in. Not only because of me, but because of the zone of comfort that will create. For the same reason I have not unpacked almost anything that I took. I am using the same cartons Lexie (the nanny) put my stuff in, instead of using the closet and drawers in Arqui's apartment.

Arqui mentioned that if I wanted I could get cable; as long as it get cancelled when I move out. Being as paranoid as I am, I think this is some kind of "unrelayed" message based on communication he gets from Bonita. I will ask her.

Same thing with the fact that my closet at home is now empty; what would Bonita do with that? Fill it up with her clothes? It does not make sense to me if the plan or the intention is that I will return there. Why would she go for the reorganizing of things twice (now to distribute her clothes, and then when I return and she would have to return to her original space)?

I do not know; I am feeling pretty paranoid lately.

Also, today Bonita called a priest that helped us 5 years ago (in a situation pretty similar to this, in some ways) to get over it and resume our life in a better (supposedly) way. We have an appointment with him next Wednesday at 8 pm. Let's see what happens.

See you around.

Spoiler alert

I just noticed that I am spoiled.

I mean I “knew” I am spoiled, I just never before accepted.

I hate to wait for things to happen. I have no patience for unknown (and sometimes known also) people to do their duties/responsibilities/what-is-required from them.

Of course at the same time I am a procrastinator. My wife is perplexed by this apparent paradox; she feels the duty to ask me the question: “how can you complain about this when you do the same?”

I do not know; the only reason I can offer is that sometimes I do not like people who ask me to do things for them. Even if that is my responsibility/duty/etc.

But, the latest example of that was last Friday. Pinka had an injury in her right ankle. We took her to the hospital. There was only one patient in the Emergency Room. We were to wait for the general doctor (first) and then the orthopedist (second) to take a look at Pinka and give her treatment. Usually this is a 15 minutes wait. Yes, it is a small private hospital where my wife gets preferential treatment since the Insurance company makes sure she is happy with them (she is the HR manager, thus has the power to change companies if she does not like the service). This time there was no doctor, and when the orthopedist arrived (45 minutes later) he said there were too many people in the room and he was nervous with so many people and we needed a different room.

I just hated the comment. I care about the manners of a doctor; but I care more about timeliness. And it got me thinking that we give too much respect to the doctors, and teachers, and authority figures. And maybe we should not (or maybe I just think that because I feel superior to most of them [;^)], I don’t know).

In any case, I can see some doctors that are too arrogant with the people they treat. I stopped hearing a radio show (“The morning show” with Mario Alberto) because he invited a gynecologist who called women that called the show “mujercita” (little woman). I do not know if this was supposed to be a tender name to make them feel comfortable, but I just HATED the term. I hate when people patronize me (or others too; however I sometimes do it. Shame on me!).

So, I understand that part of the problem is we still see doctors, teachers, police (maybe police not), etc. as the elders in the community (magic is involved!! authority is involved!!) but in the other hand; Where is your will, duty and responsibility to yourself when you give others authority over you? The doctor will treat you, and help you get well. The teacher will help you learn. The police/judge/congressman/etc. will help you strive in this society. But, relying only on them; and blaming only them when those activities fail; it will mask your own shortcomings.

I am sensitive to this theme today. The whole Pinka’s accident has got me thinking and reviewing some of my whole conceptions.

That I am almost sure the injuries to Pinka are related to something else makes it not easier. My wife asked her therapist about people who somatize (because we were thinking about Pinka having three “major” medical issues in the last three years) and he mentioned about “Bioenergetic” and “Corenergetic” which are some investigations about how you body reflects your emotions. (He also mentioned that she may be having relationship problems with her father [this means I have to do something about it!]).

Personally, I have always believed that you can heal yourself; however many times you need some external help (doctors here). But if you really believe (and this is really difficult, because we are programmed not to) and take advantage of the help, then you can heal yourself. It happened to me when I was 16; I was sick and they told me it would take a month to be OK again, but I was up and running in 1 week. My aunt later told me that this was because I was afraid of needles and since I was getting a shot daily, I was healed after only one week. Whatever, it worked. I don’t know how to apply this to Pinka; except where I can work in my relationship with her.

I am ranting now; have to stop a little. This will continue.

See you around.

And just like that...

May ended as every month is fated to do.

So, while I was worried about the results of my job and finally deciding that it did not matter if I’d done something else than what I already did, yesterday, I took more time that usual for lunch. My car was at the mechanic (service, not repair), I met my wife for lunch at a vegetarian restaurant (since she is still in the detox/eat-right phase) and she took me to the car after that. It was almost 1:30 pm when I got the car and being that I was close to the kids’ school I called my wife to tell her I would pick them up and take them home.

Pinka had a birthday party for one of her classmates, and wanted to go. We had discussed the matter on Thursday and told her that she was not going because we could not take her there, but, I was already there picking her up so she started pressuring (in her own way) and I caved in. I took her to the party. Then, Lexie (the nanny) called me at work. The mother of one of Pinka’s friends had called looking for my wife or for me and left a phone number. I called her and then she told me that Pinka had a small accident when jumping in a trampoline and that resulted in an ankle sprain.

So I forgot anything to do with work and started calling and receiving calls from my wife; trying to find out who was there, what is next and where we were going to take her. We ended at the Hospital del Pr@do; a very old hospital in Tijuana, used to be very good. Every one of us was there; my wife with Mediana (who was at home at the time of the accident), Vicky (in her way from work) and me. Pinka was taken to the hospital by her best friend’s mom.

After waiting 30 minutes, a classmate of Mediana arrived with his mom; he had the same injury, while playing football (futbol, not American football; soccer for Americans) at school. We talked a little while waiting for the doctor to show up. 15 minutes later the doctor arrived, then he got a panic attack because there were so many of us and… the asked us to move to a different exam room. There we went, and another 5 minutes got me to the end of my patience. We left. Usually, it takes 15 minutes for somebody to take care of you (specially when you are in the Emergency Room!!!) so after 45 I was about to hit somebody.

Ok, I did not, because nobody was even there to be hit. Anyway; we go to a different hospital (Ange1es) and what do you know; I took Pinka to the lobby and then returned to the car to park it. By the time I got back she was out for X-Rays! It took us 30 minutes to get out of the hospital, with X-Rays and medicine and an appointment with an orthopedist on Saturday! That is what I called service.

So, we went today to the orthopedist; he had to put a cast on her leg and now she is in crutches. She was really concerned, because she is in the school play (as one of the leading actresses) and though that maybe she was not going to be ready for it; but they will remove the cast and she will leave the crutches in two weeks; so she will have two weeks to recover enough for the school play.

There was something I did not like of this development; and it was that Pinka was rather happy to have a cast on her leg; because she will be popular at school. I am worried by that; this is the third time in the last three years she had something in her health and every time she was happy about how people at school was going to react (positively). Remember I mentioned about how there are no accidents? This situation REALLY worries me.

The results of my job? Well, we were only at 85%; and 99% in the quarter. Better than expected, but I rather failed miserably that having to have one of my girls in an accident again.

Theory and Practice

I ran into this phrase yesterday:

"In theory, theory and practice are the same; in practice they are different", (or something like that), by Yogi Berra.

So, I thought, in theory; what I think and what I write in my blog are the same things. However, once written, they are not.

I have been challenged, to put my money where my mouth (writing?) is. Bring the light to the deep darkness that is inside me. I am not talking about the good/bad/any-kind-of-judgment-you-want-to-make issues I have, but the issues I have been avoiding in these blogs.

Last Sunday I was thinking about that. There are lots of things I want to say, share, publish, make “permanent” in writing; but I am scared... I am scared and try to rationalize that fear by redirecting it to one main “reason” for not doing it. I will hurt others. My friends (!), my parents (!!), my daughters (!!!), my wife (!!!). The truth is that I am scared of being hurt. I have been hurt before, therefore I do not want to get hurt again. And the way I will be hurt if I say whatever is in my mind, is that nobody would love/like me if they knew me better.

Stupid thinking, isn’t it? Because in theory… your friends, parents, daughters/sons and life partner love you regardless (or because) of you are. But in practice… nobody really knows you, most of times not even you know you; then, who do they like/love?

In theory; if you have the opportunity to be hurt, you also have the opportunity to really enjoy the pleasure/benefits/good-feeling/results of what you were exposing yourself to.

In practice… you keep hiding behind a wall. You are not hurt, but you can not enjoy life as much. Stay in control; reduce the risk by reducing the reward. Like a gambler, or an investor playing the market.

I was not always like that; or maybe I was, but do not remember it. I blame it on my parents, an ex-girlfriend, a couple of people I hate, etc., etc. Never on me. But… bringing to mind yesterday’s post… it is my decision; I am responsible of who I am.

I would cry if I could, but I can not cry; physically cry. My eyes will fill with tears, but I can not get them out. They will dry out before shedding a tear. And that makes me sad.

I will get there…

See you around.

Looking up to the weekend

After I forgot to do something for my wife this morning (put some gas on the van and some money in her wallet, don't be naughty!), I am at work. I have visitors today but I feel drained, with no energy.


I woke up at 5:15 this morning (20 minutes past my normal get-up time) and did not prepare breakfast for my daughters (no school today! hooray for them!); had a discussion/conversation with my wife and my eldest daughter (Vicky) about a prescription she got from a "miraculous" doctor that will help her control her weight. In order to do that she has to take some pills. Mmmhhh.

The second alert goes when she mentions that are for "anxiety control"; so we spend around 10 minutes lecturing her why taking pills for ANYTHING (had I mentioned that as a family we prefer to use natural remedies instead of medication?) will only end bad for you, but if you take pills for "anxiety control", "depresion control", etc. then it will end VERY bad for you. We ended up the lecture with the: "but you know what you are doing, is you not us, and we will not decide for you". I think this is called parenting.

I step out of the house, start driving and 10 minutes later I remember I did not give money to my wife; call home and arrange the world long distance style (I am good at that). 10 more minutes go by and call again and this time my wife gets involved and complain that not only I forgot, I did not consider her opinion (that is true, all the previous arrangements were agreed with Vicky) for the plans. So, I am not to worry, she will take care of everything.

I feel useless. And I have visitors. And I do not want to "entertain" any people now. Let's see what happens next.

See you later (today).