I ran into this phrase yesterday:
"In theory, theory and practice are the same; in practice they are different", (or something like that), by Yogi Berra.
So, I thought, in theory; what I think and what I write in my blog are the same things. However, once written, they are not.
I have been challenged, to put my money where my mouth (writing?) is. Bring the light to the deep darkness that is inside me. I am not talking about the good/bad/any-kind-of-judgment-you-want-to-make issues I have, but the issues I have been avoiding in these blogs.
Last Sunday I was thinking about that. There are lots of things I want to say, share, publish, make “permanent” in writing; but I am scared... I am scared and try to rationalize that fear by redirecting it to one main “reason” for not doing it. I will hurt others. My friends (!), my parents (!!), my daughters (!!!), my wife (!!!). The truth is that I am scared of being hurt. I have been hurt before, therefore I do not want to get hurt again. And the way I will be hurt if I say whatever is in my mind, is that nobody would love/like me if they knew me better.
Stupid thinking, isn’t it? Because in theory… your friends, parents, daughters/sons and life partner love you regardless (or because) of you are. But in practice… nobody really knows you, most of times not even you know you; then, who do they like/love?
In theory; if you have the opportunity to be hurt, you also have the opportunity to really enjoy the pleasure/benefits/good-feeling/results of what you were exposing yourself to.
In practice… you keep hiding behind a wall. You are not hurt, but you can not enjoy life as much. Stay in control; reduce the risk by reducing the reward. Like a gambler, or an investor playing the market.
I was not always like that; or maybe I was, but do not remember it. I blame it on my parents, an ex-girlfriend, a couple of people I hate, etc., etc. Never on me. But… bringing to mind yesterday’s post… it is my decision; I am responsible of who I am.
I would cry if I could, but I can not cry; physically cry. My eyes will fill with tears, but I can not get them out. They will dry out before shedding a tear. And that makes me sad.
I will get there…
See you around.
Six
1 week ago
4 comments:
I know how hard that can be. Sharing, I mean. Especially if you think that it's going to get you into trouble. Plenty of times I have hesitated about saying something and, well, I have. I do. I say things. It's always helped my relationship with the people who read me because, if something bothers them it comes out, and if it doesn't then we're good.
But I can understand how you need time for it. It took me ages before I could trust the "internest" with anything. It took a while before it really became an internest.
Because it's what it is, you know, a nest. People welcome you. At least in my experience. And I can say that even though there was the huge backlash when Will left England. Still. The people who made friends with me before that stuck around after that.
In any case, you feel your footing, you decide when you do that you want to share or that you can't. We're always around ready to be supportive in either case.
And therein lies the reward.
People who are your friends (real friends) will stick with you. They may be hurt or annoyed or angry at you, but will tell you!! I think that is amazing. In theory.
Thank you for your patience and support.
One of the joys of blogging is the anonymity that the internet brings. It also brings a whole different breed of "friends". These are people who only know you through your writing. They have no formed ideas about you. They learn about you from reading what you tell them. It is through your writing that people decide whether they like you or not. The fact is, you could be a mass-murderer for all I know. However, at the moment, all I know is that you aren't a drug dealer from Sinaloa - but you could be lying :^)
What I'm trying to say is that blogging gives you the chance to bare your soul to a group of people (the world) without any pre-judging. Some will hang around (after the mass-murderer revelation) others will go set up blogs entitled "j.a. is a smelly pig" and several millions (millions I say) will just move on. The biggest change will be in you. It is when you write "stuff" that you actually get to exorcise demons. It is the chance to tell your side. It is the moment that you have to "concrete" all those thoughts that are flying round your head.
Yeah, there are posts I have read that have upset me (not here...yet) but I am also clever enough to know how much pain they caused the author. And, in the long run - it is their blog. That gives them the right to say what they want.
And I've realised that I am all over the place with this comment. I know I had a point when I started. Oh, yeah - the "anonymity" thing. I would say that I am good/great/brilliant friends with all the people in my links. Have I ever met one of them? No. And therein "lies the rub". They only know me through my blog. I share, I share a lot - does it upset them? I don't think so because they are still here. However, my problems with the t'internet really kicked off because I had met people IN REAL LIFE through my blog. And then, they thought they had a stake in my blog. A stake in how I should feel. It's the real people you need to worry about - not the t'internet.
And I'm still pretty sure that I haven't really said anything in this comment. But, I've had a haircut, my shirt is full of little hairs, I need to take a shower. Bye!
By the way, I had my hair cut yesterday.
Yes, I have though about "anonymity"; and I have experience the release of writing something troublesome. I have never put those writings out there. Maybe because there was not a forum I had found suitable at the time. And considering that I am doing it now, I can appreciate the dual feeling of telling you something that I have not say to others and also knowing that you are also sharing "inside information" and therefore you could feel vulnerable.
Yes, I might be lying. At some level I am. But, do I know?
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